Sometimes, I just have to ask, “Why?” I wish an answer was forthcoming, but I know it is not. Perhaps soon, I don’t know. The bigger questions of life – Why am I doing this? Why am I here? I don’t want this, but here I am – why?
This is simply not what I had in mind when I finished seminary. I know I’m repeating myself, but the struggle to maintain myself in this place when I have no clue as to why I’m here is sometimes almost more than I can bear.
I am thankful for the opportunity. I am thankful for the income. I enjoy working with the people I do. I just am not of the disposition to do this kind of work. (This has nothing to do with the parish in which I’m working, by the way. Just so that is clear.) It affects my attitude, my dedication to the task, my outlook, and my work. It affects the work that I truly want to be doing and for which I spend years in preparation – my best working hours are spent sitting at a desk looking at numbers. I’m slow to take the initiative, unless it has to do with certain other kinds of things – like learning a new software package or organizing something or another (I like to organize, believe it or not.). I’m a right-brain person stuck in a very, very left-brain job.
And, frankly, I don’t want to whine, but sometimes it just becomes too much.
Now, in all reality, I should just shut up. I’m paid well. I work in New York City. I’m working on a project that really is of importance to the Church. I work in a nice environment with good people. I’m able to give money freely to those in need. A lot of people would jump at the opportunity to do what I am doing. It is a great opportunity for someone. I get to work with the people of St. Paul’s.
Why, God, am I here doing this kind of work. I need a different attitude, and I’m trying. It just isn’t coming. (Of course, in hindsight I’m sure I will understand and be thankful. Isn’t that how it always is? I certainly hope so, because if not I’m going to be pissed – at myself more than anyone because I discerned that this was were I was being put for a reason, and I will be the one who screwed-up.)