I’m not sure what to think, what to feel, or what to expect. I keep being asked how I feel, whether I am excited or not, or what do I think about all this. I don’t know. Really, I don’t know.
I keep saying that it is all happening too fast for me to really judge what I am thinking or feeling. I honestly do not have any expectations of might happen – I just don’t know. Tomorrow will be a leap into the unknown, despite the stories of classmates of mine who have already been ordained. I just don’t have a good handle of what to expect.
Yesterday’s retreat was nice, although of little help in terms of preparation – at least for me. I keep thinking of the preparation the Roman or Orthodox Ordainands might go through the day or days before ordination. Perhaps what they experience is too far on the other side of the preparation continuum, but we are certainly on the other end. I was asked what I was going to do today. I have spent most of the day reading, eating pizza for lunch, and reading some more. I am getting ready to go to the ordination practice, and then family. I could have spent the day in prayer – do you think that might have been appropriate? But, I don’t know what to pray for – I mean really pray for. I can say prayers, but that isn’t the same. All I can say is, “God, I have no clue what to pray for!”
Am I ready? The Church says I am. Am I ready? My family and friends say they think I am. Am I ready? My seminary says I am. Am I ready, God? I don’t know what the answer is, but tomorrow will happen, Lord willing, and whether I feel that I am ready or not I will have to be.
I’m not getting all mystical, but I just don’t know what will change, if anything. I know I will still be me with all my proclivities and abilities, but everything will change in some way or another. Am I completely mistaken in this? I don’t know. I will see. All three of us will see!

It is an odd thing – the other person of a relationship… the other person of such significance in one’s life. So many times I think to myself, “The most dreadful thing I can think of right now is having to talk to anyone,” or “go to a meeting,” or “listen to someone called wanting to spill-their-guts,” as I am half-asleep, or “over-peopled.” Then, that one other person calls, and I answer the phone. I want to. I am just as tired, just as needful for alone-time, just as whatever, yet I am not bothered by that other person.
I have said that I do not know whether I am cut out to be a priest or not. I have said to friends, other priests, that I do not know whether I could at times bring myself to get up at 2:00 am to visit a family in the hospital as a loved one dies. There are times when every fiber of my being would rebel against such unselfish giving. And they said, “You will.” They said, “You will find the strength.” They said, “You do it because you love those people.” It will have to be God’s enabling! Perhaps, it is something like that person who is so significant in one’s life that you do not mind a call, a visit, a snuggle at the very time when you think nothing in the world could be worse than just that kind of thing.
I arrived back in Ohio today for my ordination to the “Holy Order of Deacons in God’s one Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church.” I had a real sense of dread – not concerning ordination, but I felt that same sense of loneliness that I sometimes felt before heading to New York. I do not want to find myself once again in a place where I know no one and have to attempt to establish new friendships. It is hard at this stage of the game. I do not want to be here alone. I am going to find it very difficult to be away from the one person of such significance that I don’t mind a phone call at the most inopportune time.
Tomorrow, I am on a pre-ordination “retreat.” Then, dinner with the Bishop. Saturday, June 4th, four of us will be ordained Deacons! This is it. This is the beginning of the culmination of the last five years. I have no clue! I also have no job!
Next Wednesday, I have an interview in Toledo for a chaplaincy position. It is a great opportunity for someone – perhaps for me. I just don’t know.