I listened to a message on the Chaplains Office voice-mail yesterday afternoon. It was a request to visit a patient in the ICU. I arrived in the ICU a while later and asked about the patient. I was expecting her to be present, but as the nurse described her situation I realized that she would be completely unaware of my presence. She had just undergone a cranial operation and was still unconscious. I walked into her room and saw all the equipment, the ventilator, four IV’s containing various solutions, the bandage around her head with blood stains visible, her swollen eyes – I wondered what in the world I could do.
I did all I could do, all that a chaplain could do in a situation like that. I spoke to her and explained that I realized she could probably not her me. Probably, because I know of too many examples of patients that seemed completely unresponsive or unaware only to find out later that they did hear, they were aware in ways we could not have realized. Anyway, to explained who I was and said that I would pray for her. I did – several prayers. Then, I read to her a number of Psalms, beginning with the 23rd. I held her hand.
I do not know whether she heard me or not – probably not. Much of medical literature dealing with spirituality and prayer suggest that it does play a big and verifiable role in healing. I could not deal with the needs of her body. I could only deal with the needs of her soul, and I did all that I knew how to do. I pray that the prayers and scripture read aloud fed her soul.
I ended up not being able to visit my assigned floors yesterday. After visiting the patient in ICU I went to the family lounge to jot down some notes. I found a woman watching a soap opera and one thing lead to another. For the next hour and a half I spent talking with this woman about her aunt, who was also in ICU. We went to the aunt’s bedside and prayed. The aunt suffered a stroke on Saturday, and while you could not tell she was aware from her face, she could respond by squeezing our hands. I held her hand, I prayed with her, I read to hear, and prayed again. She squeezed my hand at various times throughout. The connection was made, regardless of what we saw in her face.

I was on-call last night, and I am tonight, also. Last night, I think I did not set the beeper correctly, which meant all hell could have broken loose and I wouldn’t have known a think. Of course, that is an exaggeration after all, but even if it were not there would have gotten through it fine without me.
I am in CPE to learn – I am a learner. As one of our fellow Episcopalians from VTS commented earlier today during our first IPR (Inter-Personal Relations) seminary, “we are the project.” Tonight, the beeper is working correctly and I could be called in to the hospital at any time, but only under certain circumstances.
The other CPE’er and I who are assigned to St. Luke’s roamed around Roosevelt hospital to familiarize ourselves with the place in case we are called-in. We spent a good amount of time in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). Man, the security is tight, but this little “Chaplain” badges get us in anywhere. These little, tiny babies – tubes, special lighting, clamps, incubators, naked, parents waiting, waiting. My goodness. So fragile. So helpless. So innocent.
Monday night while Ashton and I were walking in Chelsea after a movie, we saw a woman wondering around (I’ve seen her before), needle marks up her arm… pregnant. To think of this baby inside of her that must endure the trauma of his/her mother’s tragedy is unfathomable. What heroine is doing to the development of that helpless, fragile baby made in the image of God, I cannot imagine. Yet, so many of those crack or heroine or coke or alcohol babies make it, and miraculously many are not seriously devastated. How? God, how?
Oh, and let me expose and express my FEELINGS about…

I am having a difficult time “jumping right in there” and visiting patients. A couple of us from General were talking yesterday about how we, if we were patients, would not want someone coming into our room and attempting to do with us what we are being instructed/encouraged to do with patients. I feel as if I am intruding. It is different to enter a room and explain who I am and what the Chaplaincy Office can provide than to attempt to get people to emote.
For some odd reason, I have far less hesitancy when in the Emergency Room than when on my assigned floor. Perhaps it is the openness of the physical space in the Emergency Room – I don’t know. I have prayed with every one of the ER patients I have visited.
I do know that I need to relax. I need to be myself, which I think may run a bit contrary to the wishes of the chaplaincy office. (I was told I verged on proselytizing when I encouraged a patient who was lonely a fearful of being by her self when returning home and who had a Christian upbringing to seeking out church or religious community.) I need to be more present in the moment (“Be here, now!”). I need to be more curious when patients do want to talk – ask more open-ended questions and follow-up on comments with more probing questions.
I am also having a hard time understanding my role as a chaplain. I am not from Psych who focuses on the mental aspect of a person. I am not a counselor who focuses on the emotions. I am not a social worker who focuses on physical needs. I am not a doctor or nurse who focus on the medical needs of a person. I am a chaplain, a religious and faith person. I focus on the soul. My job, as I see it, is not simply to try to get people to emote so they can feel better. I can do that, but so can people from Psych and social workers, and doctors and nurses for that matter. I am, as I see it, to focus of the development, growth, and strengthening of a person’s spiritual life. Because the ministry is inter-faith, I will encourage them in what ever religion or spiritual community they want to be a part of, but I will encourage them to develop their spiritual life, to be faithful, to recognize the social, spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical benefits of a spiritual life not neglected.
If we are truly beings made up of body, mind, and soul (or however that dynamic is categorized or described), then let the professionals who deal with each do their work. If chaplains are to be respected as important members of a holistic health care team, then we have to be more than simply hand-holders or people to get family members out of the way so doctors and nurses can do their work. Chaplains can do such things joyfully, but I believe our role is as healers of the soul. However, some people are so afraid of offending people that they will forgo their freedom as representatives of “God” to speak into a person’s life when deal with spiritual matters and the soul as doctors deal with the body and psychiatrists and therapists deal with the mind. I can’t do that and be authentic, which means if I must then this learning experience will not help me to find my place in this kind of role, but rather simply cause me to suppress who and what I think I am.

We are ending our first week of CPE. I have a great group of people, although I would have liked at least one weird or cracked-up person just to make things interesting. Actually, I’m thankful for a bunch of ordinary (!?) group of people.
I am placed at St. Luke’s, a former Episcopal hospital directly across the street from the Cathedral of St. John the Divine. There is a wonderful chapel in the hospital, and generally chaplains are well integrated into the affairs of the hospital. I am assigned to the Orthopedics unit and the Emergency Room, which is one of only two Trauma 1 units on Manhattan. I am truly looking forward to working in the Emergency Room, and I do not really know why. I am at a disadvantage because I do not speak Spanish, although it does not seem to be a predominately Spanish population. We should actually see patients today.
I am dead tired when I get home. Eventhough at the end of last summer I thought I could have endured CPE with no problem, I think I was wise in listening to people who know such things and not doing CPE last summer!