As Roy said, there is wisdom in numbers. Alon (the GTS Chaplain) has asked me several times whether I thought CPE this summer (which begins in two weeks) was a good idea. She is supportive of whatever I decide as long as it is a thoughtful decision. Today, however, Bill Doubleday talk with me and he suggested I consider postponing it until next year. One comment he made I had not thought of – if I do CPE this summer and I am spent at the end, how is that going to affect the beginning of class and the whole semester. I could be a huge disadvantage at the beginning of the semester. Then, during lunch, Nancy (who recently ended her term on the Commission for Ministry and is here at GTS for a Trustees’ meeting) asked me how I was doing and my plans for summer. The suggested I postpone CPE for a year. She said that I need to learn self-care now. She also said there was talk at the diocese office that postponement might be a good idea. So, I e-mailed Mary this afternoon and asked here what she thought. Considering MAC being in my blood stream, which my doctor said is a sign of a immune system disfunction, being in a hospital may not be a good idea until they really figure out what is wrong with me. Anyway, Mary said that she talked with Bishop Grew and they thought it might be a good idea to postpone CPE.
I am really torn. There are a lot of things I could do this summer – take classes at Union or Fordham, work for Anne and earn a little money, work some in a parish for experience. Yet, all my classmates will be going through CPE and I will not have that common experience with them! Right now, that means a lot to me! Being out of commission for six weeks already pulled me out of their experience. I could sense it during final exam week. While I’m glad I avoided the stress by having much of my work extended into the coming month, there is part of me that feels left out of their common experience.
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I took the Patristics (Church History) final this morning. I got up early to study for a final few hours. I thought I was pretty set, with the understanding that another full day would have made all the difference in the world. It would have been a moot point, however. The way the final was structured, I didn’t really study the right things anyway. Such is life, I suspect. At this point, I really don’t care. I want to get everything done and over with, and while I do want to do a good job, I am not going to kill myself. There are far more important things in the world than knowing the Council of Ephesis in 431 was concerned with the heresy of Euthycianism. Not that Euthycianism isn’t a good thing to know, but in the grand scheme of things, right now it is not high of the list of important things. Anyway, my perspective has changed a lot since my illness.
I saw myself heading towards burn out, great dependence on my own effort, an unwillingness to give things over to God, and inability to have right priorities – which should always be people-centered first and for most. I’m glad for the illness, if for only that reason. The stress and anxiety that leads to nothing more than illness (emotionally and then physically) is simply not worth it.
I am very glad for my classmates, who are truly finished. I still have two mid-terms, a final, two exegesis, and a short preceptorial paper to finish. I just hope I can finish most of it before CPE.
I had another follow-up appointment with my doctor. They took nine viles of blood this time – a record for me. So, the MAC in my blood shouldn’t be there and now is the process of finding out why it is.
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So, all day yesterday I researched and answered the first essay of my New Testament take-home final with the requisite five pages filled up. I’m sitting in the classroom waiting for our in-class identification exam and listening to some of my fellow classmates talk about their answers. They certainly didn’t sound like my answer at all! I got home, asked my roommate Nick whether I was using the right copy of the exam – you see, our professor gave us an example a few days earlier of what the actual exam would be like. I answered the wrong stupid question! I mean, it was interesting and I learned a lot, but now I have to go back and do all the work to answer the CORRECT question and then proceed to the second essay. At least I didn’t answer everything incorrectly! What a doofus!
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I just got back from a group study session for the OT2 final. Even thought, as of Friday everyone will be completely finished and I will still be working through May to get caught up, I am so glad I am not were they are. I don’t know how they are holding up with the compression of finals into basically 3 days. Especially with the NT2 final, which is incredibly comprehensive and very difficult. This place is not developmental at all!
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As I write my two essays for my New Testament take-home final, I watch out the window from time to time. I am amazed. Construction work is going on down below that blocks three of the six one-way lanes on 10th Ave. Both the construction workers, laying new pipe below the road, and the mass of drivers trying to all squeeze through the two completely free lanes, seem to use their limited space to the best of their abilities. All the construction that goes on has to happen in a relatively small space. Back-end loaders, huge trucks haling away slaps of concrete and asphalt, and a good number of workers maneuver and work in what seems to be an impossible space as other trucks and cars fly around them. I’m impresses that the regular vehicles drivers aren’t yelling and screaming and honking. Sometimes the honking is insane.
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It seems I feeling better every day, which should be the case, after all. Jason, Nick, and I just got back from seeing the new X-Men movie. Better than the first, I do think. I’m still tiring easily and a day full of stuff gets the best of me. The city is actually quite pretty right now. The trees are leafing, the flowers are in bloom, spectacularly, and it is warm.
All-in-all, I’m doing quite well. I am on a much more even keel than before my illness. Being out of circulation for six weeks has a tendency to change perspective and attitude. I am thankful for that. Thankful, too, that through hardship, good things emerge! As James wrote, “Consider it all joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds; because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance, and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature, complete, and lacking nothing.” To know what joy is, to know what peace is, to know what real life is, you need to experience at least a taste of the opposite. Those who want life to be always easy are missing out on so much, because when we let the times of our lives, when we let the test and trial runs its course to see what God does within us, then do we become more of what we are meant to be, then do we learn, then do we understand, then do we become mature, complete, and lacking nothing. Let the process finish itself, and trust that God is always present and waiting for the knock, for the wanting, and God is there.
Ashton competed nationally yesterday. I haven’t heard how he did, which makes me think he didn’t come in first. I think, if he had, he would have called. But I could be completely wrong and will find out tonight.
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7:15 am this morning I will be off for yet another test. This one is testing for stuff going on with my kidneys, which may or may not have anything to do with the fevers. I’m feeling much, much better at this point. I haven’t had a fever spike in almost two weeks now. My energy level is still quite low, but slowly returning. I just have to get myself back in shape.
Classes are now over for my first year of seminary. It is very hard to believe that the first year is almost finished. I have a month to make up the work I missed, although I think I will try to take the final exam in Patristics and New Testament.
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