Journal - 3/10/02

Sunday, 10 March 2002

You know, I find it sad that I'm hesitant to include a number of links to websites that are amazingly designed (a testament to the web-designers) or to sites where I read journals or blogs on a regular basis (a testament to their writing ability and honesty), because it seems that many of them have descended into porn -- through the authors' webcams or through other things they include within the site. I know some people will read this and say I should be the one others feel sad for because of my self-repression or judgementalism, or whatever, especially for using the word 'descend' I isn't that I have a problem with the nude form -- our physical body are an incredible and beautiful creation. It is what we do with them that causes me to step back. Self-expression -- I guess it depends on the intent of the expressor.

I can remember a few years ago when I first discovered Sean Patrick Live that he was determined that sex and nudity were not going to be part of his website. That didn't seem to last long. I just checked his website -- it has been retired. I didn't know that. Or, consider Keith Cam Live (now KeithLife). I really do like reading his journals, yet I wouldn't want to go to his site at work! He has a nice body and makes no bones about his site being about self-expressed internet-porn. He is an exhibitionist. There are others as well. Maybe that was their intent from the beginning. Maybe they just changed. Maybe they gave into the pressure from people who regularly access their sites haranguing them to become more 'revealing.' I don't know. It just seems to be a pattern. I wonder if the pattern is with me in that I discover these sites? Hum... Maybe it is something within the creative spirit.

It all comes around to the feeling I have that so many guys in the gay community are obsessed with sex and porn to our own detriment.

Today, I have to help my brother move out of his house. Move away from his wife and child. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. As I've said before, if I could trust that he (and my sister-in-law) did everything they could have done to save their marriage, then my feelings of sadness or the wrongness of his moving out might not be so strong. I don't believe they have. My brother tends to be very stubborn and has a hard time listening. I know they are 'only' separating,' but what is this doing to my innocent four-year-old nephew? As my brother said, I don't know what it is like living with my sister-in-law (she suffers from a form of depression, which to me doesn't seem that sever???) . Yet, what happens if my brother marries again and she is in a car accident and becomes a paraplegic, does my brother dump her too because he didn't count on this happening when he married her? When he vowed to love in sickness and health? Easy for me to say, I know. Everything in me doesn't want to help him -- I want to yell at him. I told him a year or so ago when he first moved out for a few days that if he didn't consider what was going on inside of himself, and really understanding those things, and if he moved back in without doing anything different, then nothing would change. I really don't see that he, they, did the things needed to change their situation. Thus, a year later he is moving out again. My nephew is stuck telling people that his daddy is moving to Nana & Papa's, which he isn't.

Well, I would have left in an hour. I just got a phone call from my brother. He isn't moving out. He said he took my nephew to his basketball game (a bunch of 4 & 5 year olds trying to play basketball -- it is so cute!) when he noticed how distracted and sad looking my nephew was. My brother asked him what was wrong. He said he was sad that his dad was moving into an apartment. What this kind of thing does to little kids. My brother also said that since moving out (two months ago - I didn't realize it was so long ago), the last two weeks he and my sister-in-law have had some of the best talks they have had in 10 years of marriage. He asked for me to re-send him he information for Marriage Encounters sister-organization for troubled marriages. He said he is honestly committed to working things out, doing what needs to be done. I believe him.

Oh, I'm thinking of using a weblog (diaryland.com, blogger.com, something) rather then continuing to journal on-line in this way. Easier access, easier everything I suppose. I absolutely need a spell-checker and it seems that blogger.com is the only one that has one right now, and it costs.