Journal - 2/8/02

Friday, 8 February 2002

I know, in perspective, I don't have much to complain about. All things considered, I have had a rather full life, although there has been more fullness in past years then right now. Maybe that is one of the problems -- I'm restless and need to move on to something different or more. When I was involved with campus ministry, I didn't have an abundance of money nor material things. That was okay. I have much more now, but material things aren't that important to me. Yet, in comparison to most of the people of the world, I live in luxury. I'm feeling a lot of despair right now, but know that it will pass (hopefully). In relationship to the mother in a third world country dying of AIDS, watching her children die of AIDS; in relationship to my brother and sister-in-law whose marriage is ending; in relationship to my mother who is in more then she can handle with my grandmother; in relationship to the lose of people in NYC and Washington and Pennsylvania; in relationship to the wife of the Wall Street Journal reporter in Pakistan; in relation to most people in the world, what do I have to despair about? I know that what I am feeling right now is real and hard for me, but maybe the reason I can be so overwhelmed by these kinds of feelings and concerns is because I have the luxury to be so. I'm feeling lousy right now and not feeling very hopeful, yet I know that my life is good in the vast majority of things. I despair because I am alone. I look to the future and if this is what it will be like, I feel despair even more. But part of this is whether I am willing to trust God with my life and future. The thought of living the demanding and often lonely life of a priest without someone with me is more then I can imagine right now. Yet, I believe that is what I should do and the direction I should go. I have no idea of the outcome or what I will do after seminary -- no guarantees or ultimate commitments. I just don't want to be alone. I like solitude, but that is different then being alone.

So, I need to keep things in perspective. There are definitely worse things in life then being without a partner at any given moment, I know. It doesn't feel that way right now, but I know.

I tried e-mailing Steve Abbott again. My long lost best friend from high school. I saw a British movie (the Get Real movie -- whose main character is named Steven, by the way) and it brought Steve to the forefront of my thoughts. He has been on my mind for a while now, even before the movie. Well, this morning I actually wrote him a letter. Nothing long, mind you. Just saying I don't want to loose contact with him again. A letter -- what am I coming to? :-) E-mails have failed -- no current e-mail addresses. So, hopefully he and his family are all right and there is a desire on his part to keep in communication, at what ever level.