Journal - 2/7/02

Thursday, 7 February 2002

I've been home the last two and a half days and I don't know how much of the reason was because I haven't felt well or because I'm depressed. I'm sure one compounds the other. I'm not seriously depressed, although I am more then the melancholy I would normally claim. Head cold. Alone at 40. There you go.

I recently changed my cable from analogue to digital, and with the change I got a free year of Showtime. While home, I watched the British movie 'Get Real' -- 4 times. And recorded it, too. I saw the movie originally at the Cleveland International Film Festival and was quite moved by it. It's about a couple teens dealing with being gay. One primary character. I can certainly feel and remember going through all that stuff, but much less open. More like the confused object of Steve's desire, rather then Steve. Although I can relate to a lot of what Steve experienced in the movie. Anyway, I think that brought on the depression. So much heartache and confusion for no reason. So much putting off of dealing with things and people for no reason. So many opportunities or potentials never realized for no reason. Alone at 40 and thinking of the relationships I might have been able to have, or the one, if things would have been different. As a line from Steve goes in the movie goes, "It's only love. What is everyone so afraid of?"

I also read a lot of other guys' weblogs over the last couple of days. Many of them funny and honest and satirical and can't think of a right word. As I mentioned in the intro to this section of my website, my journal entries have seemed to happen when something is wrong or bothering me, rather then a chronicle of everyday life. So, I can only imagine what I must sound like if someone reads these entries. For the most part, I'm fine and healthy and grateful for all that I have been given -- material things, abilities, friends, and family. But, during this time and looking into the future, I am lacking in hope and just not very thrilled with life. These times come and go in everyone's life, I know. There are a lot of other people who are in my situation, gay and straight. Yet, this is what I'm feeling and experiencing right now. I hate it. I just want to share my life with someone I desire to share life with.

I do know, as I've said to God often lately, I just can't do this -- meaning pursuing seminary and the Episcopal priesthood without someone to be by my side, someone to ground me, encourage me, someone who knows me -- really knows me, someone I can love. The position already contributes to a lot of loneliness and stigmatization, I can't take the compounded element of being alone and having to fight all the crap that comes with being gay and a priest in the overall Christian church and American society -- from both liberals and conservatives. I just can't do it. I'm not strong enough. But, that is what I'm going to do. I just can't.....