Journal - 7/1/01

Monday, 1 July 2001

I've been writing in my paper journal again. I've found it much easier and distinct from this one! I didn't think it would be the case -- after all, why not just write the same kind of things. I don't know why, but it is just different. It seems this is the more mechanical stuff in my life, while the paper journal is more the emotional stuff. I find it easier to put my emotions on paper, I suspect because I know no one is going to read the paper journal and I am even less concerned about grammar, neatness, and spelling. Not that anyone would confuse me with someone who is concerned about proper grammar and spelling within these journal entries! My emotions are on a roller coaster right now. I'm depressed and anxious -- normal emotions I know. I can say that, but I also am living through the emotions, which suck!

I had a great dinner with John on Thursday. It was like the past two years hadn't past. It was so good to see him. Okay, so now I am really missing him all over again. With everything else, right now I think I deserve a little bit of numbness!

I was talking to my Rector after church today and mentioned that I have to buy a cassock and surplice before seminary. Then, I thought about the vestments and especially the stole. The significance of putting on the stole really struck me as I was walking to my car. I am not at all, one bit, even an itsy bitsy bit worthy of such a thing. I hate emotions right now. Numbness, where the heck are you? Indifference, here boy, here boy! Yuck.

Saturday after FrontRunners, I got together with a guy who contacted me through this website. A first for that kind of thing. I really enjoyed talking to him at, I'm ashamed to say, a Starbucks. I like supporting local places, but you know what, I like Starbucks coffee. Go figure... Anyway, we had a great conversation. Thanks, Chip!

Today, it's Dancin' In The Streets in Cleveland. A benefit for the AIDS Taskforce. A bunch of guys from FrontRunners always gets together and hangs out there for a good part of the day. It's always fun, for if nothing else then people watching. Afterwards, we're going over Mike and Joe's for a going away cook-out for moi. It's a real bummer leaving friends!

Can you guess I'm miserable right now concerning my move to NYC and beginning at General? It's true! I am!, but I know the feelings I am having are normal and common and will subside once I get there and make friends and get into a grove. I have two main goals this year: to learn (which may or may not be the exact things the seminary thinks I need to learn) and to get into shape! So, after my first year, I should be a lot smarter and a lot more buff! Brain, heart, body. Maybe even in that order.

I had truly wanted to go with someone. That would have been nice! AND, since John reappeared, I think about him and before our relationship ended how I thought it would be with him. Okay, enough. Gotta get ready for Dancin'. I think maybe I'll type out one of my paper journal entries here, just so the differences are more apparent. I have to start organizing my thoughts and get away from stream-of-consciouseness bit.