Friday, 26 September 2003

It simply isn't fair - the way I am towards Ashton. It is causing both of us much grief. I know I am not being in relationship with him the way he desires. I am not fully present as he wishes me to be, as he is with me. It isn't fair to him, but I don't know what to do. I am here for these three years for a reason, for a purpose, and while I want him to be a part of all this with me, I simply cannot be fully present with him because I have to be fully present here.

I am in formation and my life will never be a normal one. What does that mean for him? I tell him that, but I really don't think he understands. It isn't that a relationship is not possible - all one has to do is look around to see that a relationship is most certainly possible, and from the standpoint of the ordained very beneficial. But those so partnered are always still married to another. It takes a special person to be in such a relationship. Ashton is most certainly a special person. I cannot believe that in his life, in his life lived, he exhibits more of the ways of God than most who claim God as their own, who claim to walk in the Way of Christ. He simply lives it. I would be crazy to not know that, recognize that, to not want that. But what am I to do? What can I do right now? I know it is not what he wants or deserves.

His friends tell him I am unavailable and that he should consider other prospects - for his own good. And there are other prospects. He told me this morning that some guy said that he could be "the other man." But, he loves me. I love him. I just don't know how to be the person he desires at this time in my life. Then, there is the concern for what happens in two years. I just don't know. I cannot foretell what will happen. I cannot picture my life without him, as much as I try. That may all change - for me and for him - as far as I know. But, for now, I want him to be a part of my life.

Another consideration is what my ministry might be and the impact on that ministry a relationship with another man might cause. It could be position or it could be negative. I just don't know. There is also Ashton's career. I just don't know. I cannot know. He needs to do what is best for himself. I cannot ask anything else of him.

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