Friday, 14 February 2003

I'm scared. I'm scared about what Ashton means in my life, especially my future life, what he means to my life. We went to see Les Miserablés last night for Valentine's Day. He took me to Sardis for dinner afterwards. It was so nice, so comfortable. He is beautiful. I can't help thinking of him. I just can't help it. The idea of having someone in my life from here on out, when I finish and then something else, well, I just become afraid of what that means. What scares me, now, is that I think he may actually be someone I could spend my life with. He sure loves me.

He was so disappointed that I had already bought the new Skott Freedman CD. He went to great lengths trying to find it, and finally having his friend John order it over the Web and FedEx it next-day-air. And I already pre-ordered it. How can I not love him? He was so excited to surprise me with it today, but no. I told him how much it meant to me that he would go through so much to find it for me, but I don't know whether he believed me or not - maybe he was just disappointed. How can I help not cry to think that he loves me. How can I not think of my great fortune.

What does this mean? What does it mean for my family? What does it mean for my ministry? What does it mean for my emotional health? What does it mean for time and attention? What does it mean for freedom? What does it mean for a satisfying life? What doe sit mean for purpose? What does it mean for my witness? What does it mean for my relationship with God? What does it mean financially? What does it mean for stability?

Can I love him that long? Can I love him in the way he needs? I'm so nervous. Will he tire of me? Will he tire of my work? Will he tire of time taken away from us? Will he tire of my opinions? Will he tire of my quirks? Will he tire of my failures? Will he tire of the times I hurt him, let him down, disappoint him? Will he just tire of me? I don't know. I don't know.

close window copyright © 2003