Thursday, 10 October 2002

I'm really wondering right now whether I've gotten myself into another relationship that really isn't workable. I hate to say that, and I don't want to say that, but there is this gut feeling that maybe Ashton and I are not going to be right for one another. Not that we are not necessarily compatible, but that we simply will not be the best for one another. I don't know. I just wonder whether this is going to turn into another relationship like past relationships, even though I am so cognizant of past mistakes. And, it isn't that Ashton or the others are not great guys in their own right, but maybe another guy would be a better match for them, and another guy would be a better match for me.

It isn't that I'm looking for the perfect person, but what in the world holds Ashton's interest in me? What about Ashton holds my interest? The way we met, strange as it is, and the quickness with which we have given over much time to one another - well I just wonder whether my determination, after John, to take things very slowly, to really get to know the person well before even considering a move into a relationship, has been thrown out the window. Well, it has been thrown out the window, but I wonder whether I am simply going back to old habits, old ways.

I've told Ashton that I love him, and that is exactly the way I feel. Not lust, but I do love him in that I want the best for him, I feel excited to see him and spend time with him, I want him to be the most he can be as a person created in God's image. I know things are still very premature in the scheme of things - really too early to know whether I honestly love anyone or not, yet this is how I feel and what I have expressed to Ashton. Am I truly jumping the gun, again? Do I know him well enough to know whether something permanent will arise? I doubt it, nor does he know me well enough.

I ask whether, for now, I can simply enjoy his presence... whether I can simply enjoy spending time with him. Would it be better to listen to this hesitance inside and say so and put things off, or to just enjoy now and continue and see were things will go? After the ego boundaries reassert themselves, I'm sure both of us will be doing some reconsidering and renegotiating.

I hope, I really do hope, things will work for the good, for the future. I do like Ashton, I feel I love him, I can see a future, but things are still new and as we reassert ourselves in time, will all those things remain. Only time will tell...

I fear, though, that I may push things too much. As Vince said about John, "you're too much for him." I am an intense person who wants to figure things out right now, here and now. I want to answer all the questions and if I can't then work on them diligently. As John would tell me, I need to just let things be for now - enjoy the now. What does it benefit me to be so concerned about the future. I can't know. It adds nothing to my life, or the quality of our relationship, or his wellbeing, to be so concerned about whether things will work or not - in the future! Enjoy him now, look to his best interests, grow with him, and just be as content as I am when we are laying next to each other talking.


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