Monday, 26 July 2002

I have no clarity. I feel lost, and emotionally I'm all over the place, absolutely. I feel this pang in my chest and don't know where it is coming from... don't know how to identity it. It's there all the same. What am I feeling? Do the feelings mean anything... something I won't or can't recognize, admit.

I like to talk about missing John, but I know it was over long ago, and we are both in very different places and probably better off, at least as the people we were then. As Vince suggested then, "you are just too much for him." My prayer is that he becomes 'too much' in the sense of his self-knowledge, depth, and joy.

I'm realizing, I think, that the friendships I have are going to be terribly missed. Pat is a friend, is a guy, so rare and hard to come by. His friendship... I really don't know how to describe it. While I like working with everyone in our office, Pat makes a big difference. I don't think I'll ever come across someone like him again. His depth, his seriousness, his joviality, his youthful disposition, his humor, his faith, his loving-kindness and concern for others, and his willingness to put up with my 'thinking out loud' arguments. I think I am missing him - the anticipated loss of him.

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