|Thursday, 4 July 2002|
|I want to be genuine, honest, not a hypocrite in any aspect of my life. I remember a few years back while still living in Kent, I was having breakfast with a Chi Alpha staff person from Boston whom I've known for years. It was during the time when I was changing my opinions on the compatibility of faith and orientation, which he still hasn't done, but during the conversation he said to me, "you really have a thing about hypocrisy, don't you." I guess the answer would be yes, I do. I catch myself being that very thing, but I'm determined to not, to the best of my abilities.
Sometimes I actually feel this feeling, this sensation in my chest, when I think about wanting to be completely genuine - away from all the bravado, all the masks, all the expectations, all the layers surrounding my heart to protect myself - that builds walls, barriers that keep others out and myself behind, what?, behind something. I can't be that way. I just can't. I'm afraid of being pushed into this fake persona of expectation of others whom I serve, or those who are responsible for my formation. I can't be something I'm not. What am I not? What am I?
I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to keep myself so open, so trusting, yet with discernment and wisdom. How can I be like one of the children - with innocence, trust, honesty. I'm determined, but I don't know how. No pretense. No agenda. No selfish motivation. No selfish ambition. To love others and desire their best before my own - to have the humility and strength to be trusted. To maybe somehow, someway, be an example to those struggling to find themselves that they won't have to hide from the world, from those who care, who love them. That they can trust once again. An example in failure, one in success.
I know I haven't the ability, the words, the wisdom to be such a person. I know my weakness. The only thing I know to do is try to be vulnerable and true. To be vulnerable and true. It seems so hard at times. I seems almost impossible to simply be that kind of person, by nature, no longer by purpose. God, how I want to be that kind of person. A sincere life, a genuine life, a life lived to the full, mature, complete, lacking nothing, a life that may be helpful even in failure, in weakness, in all my lacking. How do I be that kind of person, always?
Can anyone appreciate that? Does anyone understand that?
"Close your eyes; rest my love. Worry about it tomorrow with the morning light on our side."
What a beautiful picture, a beautiful sentiment. Heart felt, sincere. It's a line from the last track, Lullaby, from Skott Freedman's Swimming After Dark CD.
I think I am in one of those moods, one of those feelings - right before leaving to see fireworks. The sun is shining on one side of my house and storming on the other - thunder rolling. Moving quickly, chaotic. I feel that way right now. I wish people would just do things as they said they would.
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