Tuesday, 18 June 2002

While I'm not going to negate anything I wrote in the last entry, now that I'm more rested, less sentimental, and in full possession of all my faculties, I can look at the whole thing a little more realistically. I feel that way about John at times. It's true. The feelings are real, the wanting honest. I think it has to do more with my sense of lacking in the relationship department, which causes me to look back to my last relationship and remember the good times. I have to confess that despite everything that went on between John and I, there are reasons why I enjoyed being with him, enjoyed spending time with him, and all that. Yet, there was the other side and I know that if he would come to me and say, "let's get back together," I would have to know that he has grown a lot, has dealt with his emotional issues, and conducts himself in a manner that rebuilds trust. I still love him (how can I not) and pray for him.

So, I know that a lot of the pining directed towards John comes from wanting to have another person to share life with, to love and be loved, a person to plan a future with. There are those who are trying to fix me up even now (which I hate), but I know that I will be in a totally new place (physically, mentally, and emotionally) in less then two months, so getting into a relationship right now just doesn't make sense - yet that doesn't take away the desire. There is this nagging feeling, however, that we will be together, but what will be will be, except when we decide to change the "be."

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