Journal - 3/7/02

Thursday, 7 March 2002

Amy, Russ, and I got together yesterday for our semi-regular get-togethers. The get-togethers are normally pretty intense, and last night's was no different. We originally decided to get together to basically talk, update each other on how we are doing and what we are thinking, and to mull over what we are experiencing, dealing with, and thinking about the whole homosexual and Christian issue. These two are great -- funny, sincere, deep thinkers, and most of all honest with themselves. Amy and I have been dealing with this stuff with each other for a long time now -- probably 10 + years. I love Amy dearly. She is the one I made a pact with about getting married if we reach 40 and are still single. She hasn't kept up with her side of the bargain -- I turned 40 and who went off and got into a relationship? Jeez! There is no persuading her to dump Karen and marry me! Can you imagine? :-) Russ and I have known each other for about 5 years now. Our relationship has been much more intense (in different ways) at times then with Amy. I trust and appreciate both of them more then I can say.

There was an article in Christianity Today ('No Easy Victory,' March 11, 2002 issue) about a man who did the 'right' thing by marrying -- he now has 2 teenage sons. He talks being happily married, yet still suffering depression, etc., because he has to admit he is still gay. Despite everything ex-gay ideology says he should do, and despite everything he has done, he has not become a heterosexual. He is faithful to his wife and family and intends to be in the future. I can respect that. Amy, Russ and I had a long and intense discussion about the guy, his family, the intent of the article, and all that kind of stuff. At one point, Amy told me that I sound very angry. I know I can sound that way and I have to watch that.

I also have to honestly determine whether much of what I am feeling and the resulting actions are really a result of anger. I have said, when considering how I come across to people, that I am just intense -- which is true. I understand how that can certainly come across as anger to someone who doesn't know me well. But, I am angry, too. Angry over what? Anger focused on who? How much does that anger effect me? Those are the questions I have to answer, and answer honestly.

9:10 pm

Something seems strange. Something odd. Something not quite right. I don't know what is going on, but something just doesn't seem right. I really don't know how to explain it. I'm not quick to say such things. Something just doesn't seem right. I don't know whether it is anticipation to leave for NYC. I don't know whether it is all the medical things going on. I don't know whether it is depression, a longing for another, a beloved. I just seem very out of sorts, and I don't like it. Everything just seems so rushed -- can't seem to get into to a good groove. Can't seem to get on top of things. Maybe just too much emotional stuff going on with my brother, and lots of other stuff. Who the heck knows? All I know, is that I don't feel normal.