Sunday, 17 February 2002
Why do I do this to myself? I don't know. I just don't. The morning started out well -- went to Angel Falls this morning, drank coffee, read, yacked with friends, went to church, lunch, hung out, and then planned to be lazy and watch the Olympics all day. When I got home, no Olympics, just car racing. (Futurama is on -- yeah. It cracks me up!) So, what did I do -- watched the end of Get Real and then Lilies. aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.

I miss being in a relationship so much right now. It just hurts and depresses me. These movies have the wonderful ability to make those feelings of loss and aloneness all the more acute. So, why do I put myself through it -- feeling is better then not. The innocence of the relationships in the movies, wrapped up in the angst, are real and I can certainly relate. I would rather not have the angst, but that's all part of it. I feel like the possibility of a relationship that is wrapped around innocence has passed. It felt that way with John, but that ended three years ago. I'm not willing to put myself into a relationship again that I know isn't what I want or that I know won't last. It just isn't worth it, even though that has meant being alone for the past three years. Maybe the hope of a relationship that begins in innocence is being lost. It seems like the possibility has passed and I just don't know what to do with that. I feel like to hope that such a thing is still possible is worthless, yet I do. Maybe watching those movies reminds me of the innocence that is possible and maybe again for me, too. So, now, I'm feeling terrible. Now I'm going to watch the Olympics. How I long for the opportunity to do such things with a beloved other. If I thought that maybe next year, maybe in New York, maybe I would meet the one, then it would be worth it. God only knows.

They just did a personal interest story on Apolo Anton Ohno (sp?). What a shame that the accident happened yesterday, but sometimes these personal interest bits can be so sappy! Blah.

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