Thursday, 17 January 2002

I feeling like I've missed something. Every now and then, I'm doing something and I feel like I've missed something in my life. Or, rather, maybe something is missing -- although I really think it's the former. I think taking so long to reconcile so much in my life has put off until later in life so much of what other people feel, deal with, experience much earlier. It isn't that I regret growing up the way I did -- after all, I am who I am because of it all, and I enjoyed most of it.

Okay, let me attempt to write as I would in my paper journal, which means I don't feel like I have to explain everything so that no one will misunderstand what I mean. I've got that feeling inside again. I don't know where it comes from, and I really don't know what it means. It just feels like something is missing, or missed. How could my life have been different if I just made a few different decisions along the way? Boy, what if I would have actually gone to acting school rather then college -- or studied drama rather then education? What if I would have taught school when I finished my degree rather then staying in campus ministry? What if I could have been in a relationship early on with Jeff or Nick or whomever? What if I hadn't lived in Europe? What if no Masters degree? What if I would have taken the teaching job in Bay rather then staying at Kent? My God, what if I would have done that thing -- married a women like others I know? And on, and on, and on....

So many things could have been different, and sometimes I wonder whether I should have gone down one of those other roads. I'm really lonely right now and want so badly to be in a relationship and maybe that takes up a lot of my wondering -- rather then doing all that I've done in my life thus far, what if I could have had that one relationship early on and made it work? What would it feel like to have someone understand me -- really understand me -- for the good and the bad? What would it be like to say one thing and the other person really know that I meant something else and was able to call me on it? What would it be like to have someone understand when I'm in a funk and know how to deal with it? What would it be like when I'm hurt and the other person can comfort me? It seems when I've been that way with other people, it's a very good thing. I just don't think I've let many people know me well enough or long enough to enable that kind of insight and comfort. People say I put off this vibe that I don't need anyone else, that I'm strong and have everything together. Maybe I simply have a hard time receiving or allowing anyone to be that way with me (and there are people I just don't want to be that kind of person in my life). For so long I hadn't been open in a large swath of my life to my family and many friends. How could I have been? Now, at this stage in the game, when I want that so badly, I wonder whether I can have it. People get set in their ways. I'm just tired and right now don't see any hope, but I do know that when I'm thinking in perspective I have nothing to complain about. I think it's just in this one area, all be it a very important and life giving area, I feel the lacking of something, something, most strongly. I know I've been able to go places and do things I never would have been able to go or do if I went down some of those other roads. Maybe the person I would have become would not be the person I want to be now. Who the heck knows?

So, what have I missed? My creative side has pretty much atrophied to the point of incompetence. I really wouldn't change anything I've done in my past. I am today because of all that. I just wish that some of those areas of my life, like the creative aspects of myself, the relationship aspect, I would have develop more. Have I missed out on something? Have I missed my calling? Have I missed my purpose? Have I missed my life partner? I don't know. So, I pick up and start a new adventure. I do something different. I go exploring again -- to find what? And then, when I think about the new direction of service to God and man (?) I get another feeling, because what if I am as successful as others seem to think I will be? I don't know if I want that responsibility -- just too much right now. I know the opportunities at this point are endless and I know this new direction will be more in tune with who I really am (I think -- this is where that intimate partner would turn and say -- 'you're cracked, get over your bad self because that ain't you!'). A city boy? A creative boy? A gay boi? A Christian boy? A 'I want to make a difference in people's lives' boy? A solitary boy? A messed-up boy? So, I feel. Right now I feel....loss of what may have been, what could have been. An illusion.

I have an Upper G.I. scheduled for this morning. I'm going to NYC tomorrow. I get on with life.... So much better when shared with someone.

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