Wednesday, 16 January 2002

I don't know why, but attempting to keep my journal here rather then on paper is far more difficult then I had anticipated. I don't know whether it is simply the mechanics of the thing -- even when I am only concentrating (or caring about, actually) getting my thoughts down rather then worrying about grammar or spelling, it just doesn't seem to flow out. I am far less articulate, creative, and honest then I am on paper. I don't know whether the problem would be the same if I absolutely knew no one else would be reading this, as I feel is the case with my written journal. It's frustrating because the words just don't seem to flow, my thoughts just don't seem to fall out of my head, I can't seem to get the feelings out in electronic form. I am concerned about the impact of what I write may have on certain people if they end up reading this, and of course whether consciously or unconsciously that will affect how I write and what gets written. Maybe that is a good thing and just the nature of the medium -- but if I say I want to be as open and honest as I can, then why not? Because I care about the effect I will have on others, and again if I am honest it all comes back to me with regards to how others view me and what they thing of me. For the most part I don't care, but for those of whom I do care, it makes a difference.

Just the lack of relationship right now is very hard, as I tried to touch on yesterday. Yesterday was really tough. I know I am only going through and feeling what millions of other people, gay and straight, male and female, are going through, and in that way I learn to understand and empathize. I just don't see an end....

A new season of The Real World began yesterday on MTV. Since the beginning of the show 11 years ago, I have been fascinated by it and the people portrayed. It may be a very good cast this year -- and in Chicago!!! And, of course they have the whole gay/straight thing going on again this year.

I saw my sister-in-law yesterday. They are back to the end again. My perception is that my brother is unhappy and not willing to do the work to make things succeed and turn the emotions around to something more life-giving. I can see the same characteristic in other aspects of his life too -- studying for the architecture licensing exams, for example. Those last couple of exams are giving him all kinds of problems and they are over the areas he knows the most about. Despite what anyone has suggested, it seems that he simply refuses to do what needs to be done to pass the finally exams. He has been told he will be a partner when he is licensed. Now he says he doesn't think he wants to be a principle in that particular firm. I hope that determination isn't simply an excuse because he is having so much problems with the last tests. I hope he doesn't short-circuit his life and future because he doesn't want to (or can't) deal with this stuff. I don't know whether it is pride, embarrassment, or laziness. Is it the same with his family? He doesn't seem to be this way with his architectural work. In the end, he has to do things, make changes, make determinations, for himself if he ever wants to be happy and secure. He is a good architect and he can be a good father and husband, if he wants to be. Does he want to be? Does he just not what the responsibility any longer? There are two sides to ever story and conflict -- are either of them really willing to honestly look at both sides? For the sake of my nephew and their own lives, I hope so. If not, they will carry the same problems with them where ever they go.

He told me he was feeling old, yesterday. I called him for his birthday. He is 36. At this point in his life, there are lots of transitions to make if he is going to truly move forward. Same as lots of other people. I can understand why he is feeling the way he does -- at this point in his life the dreams of success, of fame, of so many dreams hit the reality of honest life. What do you do with that hitting? He isn't where he could be in his career. His personal life is in shambles. What has he accomplished? What milestones has he crossed? The question isn't whether he is successful or accomplished or happy at this point, the question is whether he will face the hard, cold reality of it all in a way that enables him to truly move forward in his life, or whether he will lie to himself and all of us and simply begin spiraling downward in his decisions. All of us come to those points and decisions. It isn't that I fault him for the feelings or questioning everything -- we all go through it. I will be disappointed, however, if he doesn't do what needs to be done and isn't honest with himself.

Off to NYC for the weekend. I hope I can trust that Ned is honest with me about not minding whether I stay at his place and hang out with him. Why am I going? What is the purpose, or does there even need to be a purpose? No, I suppose not.

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