Monday, 31 December 2001
6:30 pm.

This is the last day of the year 2001. It has been some year. I'm waiting to leave for Mike and Joe's for a small New Year's party, which is normal. I was going to be in NYC, but here I am in Akron, OH. Ned and I both decided it would be better to postpone my visit. I 'm watching the ABC nightly news and they are showing New Year celebrations all over the world. Aside from definite cultural differences in performances, etc., it is really about the same all over the world. People outside, fireworks, and lots of partying. Man, things are really elaborate in China.

What can I say about this year. I've gone through a lot, of which I'm reminded by others. Well, I suppose that's true, but it doesn't really seem all that much, even though I know it's true. Making a decision about seminary, and then which seminary. Getting my house ready to sell. Selling my house. That whole process was very stressful. Then, of course, the whole spot on my femur thing. You know, unless I just don't realize it, that whole affair has not really worried me much. I don't fell stressed over it. They're now showing Times Square. I wouldn't be there, anyway, but I'm sure I will be at least once in the next three years. Okay this past year. The let down of NOT going to seminary and NYC in August. September 11th and it's aftermath.

The terrorist attacks where the biggest thing this year, obviously. It has had the biggest impact on me, without a doubt. I still don't know , sometimes, what goes on inside me over this event, but I do know that when I see reports or read of those killed, I still get very emotional. What can anyone say that has not already been said in a more profound way. It's now a New Year in the British Isles.

I think this has been one of my chaotic years. I've been melancholy for a while now -- don't think I've been depressed. Turning 40 has presented me with the situation I have always said I would dread -- I am 40 and alone. Not being in a true and honest relationship at this time in my life is hard. Facing up to the situation and wondering where I go from here is another thing. It isn't the fact that I am entering my forties, because frankly I look at my forties as the time I come into my own. A time when I really don't care what people think of me, when I am free of a lot of the insecurities and personal fears that I have struggled through. So, it isn't really the idea of getting older, but sharing my life with someone who knows me intimately at all levels -- not being able to have that now, at this point, is the hard thing. I don't know what the future will hold, at all, and I don't know if I feel much hope in the relationship department. Being in NYC for the next three years will expose me to a whole new group of people in more variety and quantity that maybe, just maybe, I will meet that person.

Considering the future, I look ahead and don't know where things will lead. I really don't. My whole life will be changing in just a few months and I have no idea to what extent. A new adventure. I can only trust that all things will work for the good....

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