Journal - 12/28/01

Friday, 28 2001

Well, I have discovered that while returning to having a quiet Quiet Time (without the hum of the computer) enabled me to have a better quiet time, it also meant that my journaling and Website stuff came to a stand still. Most of my weekend time has been spent trying to find and complete the redesign of this site -- everything else has suffered.

I'm heading off to NYC this weekend, actually leaving today. I've felt kind of funny about going to the city for New Years because of the cold weather and not knowing what to expect from Ned. In an e-mail yesterday, he mentioned having to have three of us sleep in his studio apartment for New Year's eve -- the person he is "seeing? - I'll tell you about it when you get here." I don't know Ned very well, but from my Sept. 11th visit, he seemed to be quite interested in me, or maybe it was just the emotional trauma of the attacks -- I certainly understand that. As I told him, "I just don't know." So, I have been worried that going out there may bring up expectations or what not. I don't think I have to worry. Besides, since over the past couple months, Ned hasn't been proactive about being in contact with me. It has all pretty much come from me. Just emotional trauma, right? All that happened during the Sept. 11th visit, I mean. Who the heck knows. This past year has been one of my "every two-three years" year, and I'm coming out if it now, I think. At least I'm feeling that way. So, what is my intent, what are my feelings or wants concerning Ned? As I said, this is one of those years and I just don't know anything for sure.

Christmas was good this year. I'm glad everyone was able to be at home and for more then just a few hours. It was fun being around everyone again. Of course, my nephew Cory was the center of attention. He is four now, unbelievable, and it takes three of us to wear him out. I got my Mom and sister and sister-in-law a visit to a day-spa. I cheated at our gift giving name selection among my siblings this year. I got my sister, but thought it would be nice for my sister-in-law to go with them. A "girl's day out." I was surprised by her reaction -- crying and everything. Well, three years in school and poor is certainly going to restrict my gift giving the next few years, so I splurged this year.

I'm reading a book right now, one of several, entitled "Assume the Position." You won't find it under the "Books" section -- yet. It is an autobiography of a former gay-male prostitute. Interesting little book. He is a good writer. I am continually amazed at what people go through in their lives and what their upbringing does to them later in live. It is a pretty graphic book, but reading about what was going on in his mind and emotions during that time is just fascinating, humbling, and causes me to be very thankful.

I'm really in a melancholy time. All kinds of emotional and cognitive dissidence is going on in me right now. I think I just need to get on with things. I need a companion, too, I think. I partner, if you will. I don't know what that will look like, but 40 and alone is not where I wanted to be at 40!

Okay, onto my quiet time -- discipline, discipline, discipline. If I don't, I just won't get done what I need/want to accomplish! HAPPY NEW YEAR. I know, all -in-all, I'm fine and doing well. This has been a good year, regardless of the turmoil . Now, for the next few days, I just have to stay awake. :-) The year is about just about up. Onto 2002.