Journal - 10/10/01

Wednesday, 10 October 2001

I thought upon returning from New York, after spending time there with Ned, that we would work on getting to know one another more. I'm getting the same kind of feeling that came from my relationship with John, especially at the end and shortly afterwards -- I'm making attempts and being proactive, while Ned is only reactive. He says that he wants to get to know me more, and I tend to take people at their word when they say such things, but I believed John, too. In context, I realize that sometimes people truly want a thing, but due to circumstances and person situations, it just doesn't happen. These are strange times and Ned is in the midst of it all. He certainly doesn't need me as a confidant or a friend -- I believe he has those kinds of people in place in New York. Yet, he says he wants to get to know me better. What should I believe -- his words or his actions, knowing his actions may be dictated by things other than his wants.

Time will tell, I guess, but I'm wondering whether at this point I should just not initiate (which basically consist of short e-mails every few days or so) much any longer and allow him to show what he honestly wants to happen. I came to that point with John, and the result ended up being no kind of relationship at all for two years. Recently, John has initiated contact, but not much. So, is Ned just not able to be honest with me, as I believe was the case with John. I would much rather someone just say they aren't interested or don't have time or some such thing rather then to continue to say they want something they don't or aren't able to have. They can even say, 'I don't know at this point.'

So, do I say something or just let things go? Should I bring up with Ned what he really wants to happen and run the risk of admitting I may have misunderstood his intentions? As I told him in New York, right now I am not looking to develop a romantic relationship because everything is so tentative right now -- I'm planning on being in NYC in 10 months. I do want, however, to get to know him more. The fact that he is in NYC affords the development of a good friendship and maybe more upon my arrival. Right now, I just want to develop a friendship with him, if possible.