Friday, 27 July 2001
This has been a very emotional week! I've been depressed and feeling the sense of loss building. I've had good news all week -- everything from finding out I have a studio apartment rather then a dorm room (at least for this semester) to financial support from Trinity Cathedral to the fact my doctor doubts seriously there is anything wrong with my leg/bones! Of course, my wart is still there and too big for my internist to work on, so it was off to a dermatologist who gave this really noxious medicine stuff to put on them. The first time I rolled the stuff on (it's kind of like a roll-on deodorant) I practically burned my sinus cavities to kingdom-come, along with putting my eye out! And we thought only sharp objects and bebe guns did that! Anyway, I'm just feeling a sense of loss quite strongly right now. Normal emotions, I know. Dr. Kuhn said I'm discovering what it's like to have roots. I just work with a great bunch of people. I'm really going to miss my everyday (workdays, that is) interactions with Pat! Bantering with Stephanie and Charlene and Karen. Going for coffee with Pat and Dr. Padak. Everyone. I'm fearful that when I get out of seminary I will never find as good a place to work as I have right now. Time and life move on. I know all the positive stuff, cognitively, but emotionally, well right now that's tuff. I will have a world open to me. I will be able to (can even now) do just about anything.

Well, John and I got together for dinner last night. I must admit I was a bit nervous. Aside from a little less hair and a little bigger build (from working out, not weight gain), he looked the same. He looked good. It was funny, because we picked back up again as if the past two years hadn't passed. At least that is how it felt to me. It was really good seeing him, and I had a good time. Anyway, I'm rabbling -- really enjoyed seeing him again. He suggested we get together for coffee before I go, and I will take him up on that. I still want to tell him the commitment I made to him is valid -- I will always be there for him if he needs me. I don't know what the best thing for me is, but I still think about a relationship with him. This is were I have to rely upon God's direction and wisdom -- He knows what's best and what's in store.

I fell for him early on. Despite him not knowing himself, I saw this person inside that was irresistible to me. I have no idea whether he will allow himself to become that great person inside, the person God created him to be, or not, but I hope so. I haven't stopped loving him and have prayed for him all the time. I truly thought that he was the person I would spend my life with, and part of me still believes that. I have to admit I was surprised he initiated getting together. As Amy said, it shows growth and maturity. I suspected that maybe he and Matt had parted ways, and I was right. Early on, I thought he might be going with me to NYC, but obviously that has not come about. It would be much more settling, I think, going with a partner.

I really have to start paying attention to correct writing. I've got a lot of papers to do in the next three years and they ain't journal entries! I can't make a general statement at the beginning of the paper explaining how I just what to get thoughts down on paper so I'm not going to be concerned with spelling and grammar. Oh, now that will get me a long way! Ugh.

Copyright © 2001