|Friday, 4 April 2001|
|Well, I'm back. My computer has been all apart for the past week and a half or so. Its funny how quickly I get out of sync (no pun intended) when I'm away from doing this on a regular basis. I've also noticed that the break felt good, even though it was only a short break. I realize that keeping this thing going and hopefully making it into what I want it to become takes a lot of discipline. My posture is terrible -- all this sitting and staring at computer screens all day. I can also see how people become over weight at these kinds of jobs. It's too tempting to just snack all day. Yuck!
Okay, so, the room you see on the home cam is now just about finished. The old wallpaper is all down, the glue is gone, the nicks and dings in the plaster have been patched (for the most part), the primer and paint have been applied, and finally the touch-ups are about done. It is very white. Now that I'm actually selling the house, I think I should have left the wallpaper up! It gave this room a very cozy, warm, homey feel. Oh well. You know, I really don't want to give up this house. I just wish I could find someone reliable to rent it for the next three years. And, of course, nothing would go wrong, like have to install a new furnace, new roof, etc., etc.
These past couple of days I have really thought of the things I will be giving up by going into seminary and the priesthood: a decent income for the first time in my life (those eight years of campus ministry certainly didn't help in terms of putting away money for a rainy day!), a paid off car that runs very well and I really like, a house I love in a neighborhood that is great, stability in life, a job I enjoy (even though I get a little bored from time to time), people I truly enjoy working with and have gotten to know quite well (Pat in particular!), friends in general. I feel like I am finally at a place where things fit together and I am above board. So, now, I'm am moving away from all that and starting a new chapter in my life. I'm very hesitant about the whole thing, not so much because I don't want to do it and not because I think it is the wrong thing to do, but because I am skeptical of being able to do the work the way I see fit; frankly, it is because of the unknown and not believing I will be able to be myself and do what I want to do. That's really what causes me to pause: not being able to be myself and being involved in the type of ministry I feel called to. I just don't comfortably fit in to preconceived notions of what a priest is supposed to be (those notions coming from watching and observing other clergy, reading, and hearing of the expectations and complaints of lay people towards their priests/ministers/leaders). It comes down to trust, frankly, and not in the whims of men and women, but trust in the hand of God.
But, jumping into the unknown is a bit exciting and challenging. I have gone places and done things I would have never dreamed of when I trust what God seems to be prompting me to do -- the direction He seems to be leading. I know the same will happen now. Life is not boring when I put myself into God's hands. The joy of the Lord is my strength, and that joy resides in the most unlikely of places.
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