|Friday, 23 March 2001|
|I am feeling despondent. I at least got a good amount of sleep last night, after a week of waking up before 4:00 am. I only had to close my eyes for a nap at 7:30 pm, which resulted in sleeping all night.
I am just overwhelmed about getting ready to move. I ended up deciding not to go to NYC this weekend. No money and it will be better for me emotionally to attempt to get some things accomplished. I don't know. This is just a big change in life and while I know I want to do it, I certainly feel none to relaxed or full of anticipation. It would certainly be easy to just not go, but I know I would never be settled with that decision. This is something I know I need to do, for myself, yet I wish I could just have someone come in and handle all the particulars of selling my house and car, packing all my belongings and moving them to NYC, etc., so I don't have to deal with any of it. I can just say good-bye to everyone and have the time to do so. I want to be independently wealthy so I don't have to worry about money and how I'm going to afford seminary without being in deep, deep debt when I get out, so I don't have to take money that could be otherwise given to help other people. Of course, who doesn't want to be independently wealthy????
I know as I begin to make some headway in finishing and checking off items from the check list I will begin to feel a little better. It is just one thing at a time, one day at a time. Those days will be over soon enough! And I'm going bald -- which isn't a new thing, but the absolute reality is upon me. That's life, I would just rather it not be. Okay, enough. Big and better things to do today. Going to Cleveland tonight for some more "fresh file" at the Cleveland Film Festival. Frankly, I don't remember what movie it is.....
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