|Wednesday, 15 December 2000|
|One of the things I've noticed while writing these entries, even though they are only a few, is that there are threads that seem to running through my thoughts -- whether just mental background noise that always seems to be humming along or whether they are incorporated into my active thoughts in my general thinking, quiet time, or any time. Now, this may seem obvious at first, but the threads could very well be different then I would have thought before I began writing more often. I don't know whether this is because I feel I need to write more often so I carry the things I am thinking onto print or whether it will turn out that the focus of my life may be different then I thought. My attention may be centered on things I thought only peripheral. Of course, these things happen in time and space, so it will be interesting in a year to go back through the entries and see what themes appear. Hmmmm......
I will be interested in seeing whether seminary will simply subsume my entire attention on the things I am studying. Will I still be as mindful of what is happening in the culture around me? Will I still be as quick to give attention to the political situation? Will I be as involved in outside efforts as now? Obviously, the time needed to studying, etc., in an academic institution will take up a lot of time and lesson my discretionary time, but will I attempt to take what I am learning and carry it over into ever other aspect or will I simply box in my academic endeavors and just focus on that kind of stuff? I'm not sure of the kind of question to ask right now -- how to word the question so that it truly captures my thoughts right now. Try -- Will I compartmentalize my life while in seminary because that needs to be an intensive period, or will I sync what I am experiencing in seminary with the many other interests in my life? Will I have time? Will I have the interest? Will I do photography? Will I continue to do some (maybe very little!) pleasure reading? WIll I run with FrontRunners? Will I develop relationships outside the church in the area around me? Will I give attention to politics? To pop-culture and high-culture? Will I be diligent with this website? Will I be able to truly enjoy and experience either NYC or DC? yadda, yadda, yadda.
This system of journaling will afford me the opportunity to chronicle all this stuff. I wonder? I just don't know.....
Something that just dawned on me -- since most of what I am writing in all the journal stuff -- quiet time, thoughts, journal -- are done in the early morning when I am supposed to be having my quiet time, then most everything I write is going to be influenced by the current frame of mind. Most of what I am thinking will be shaded by my intent to be spiritual -- that kind of frame of mind. I should attempt to be more diligent in trying to write stuff in the evening and see what's up in my mind. Speaking of discipline (huh?) I've got to get more serious about working out. This cam stuff has really given me a different glimpse of my physical self. I mean, I'm not getting any younger and developing is only getting harder and harder. Either I need to just do it or give it up -- not give up being healthy, but the attempt to have a very nice moderately developed body. I also have to get serious about finishing my house, getting ready for seminary, deciding whether to keep or sell my house, car, belongings, on and on and on.
One more thing -- I had thought in doing this website that it would give me the opportunity to integrate my life in a public way. Public in the sense that I will not be able to hide things and thus lie about them, if only in subtle ways. I like to say, 'what you see is what you get,' and with a cam and public journals, I will be encouraged and in some ways forced to be as open and honest as I can be. The freedom of not having anything to hide, of being forced to be consistent in what I say and do at all times, of not being tempted to lie about anything in my life lest I be called a hypocrite, I hope will be liberating. For those who know me well, being a hypocrite is about the worst insult anyone can level against me. I try with all my being to not be hypocritical, even though I recognize at times I am -- just try not to be earnestly. So, here is the thought -- I wonder whether this will only deepen the dichotomy, deepen the tendency to present something publicly here in this website that I am really not in order to convince all out there that this is the real Bob Griffith, when I know it isn't forthright and true? Will that happen -- the very thing that I started this website to overcome?