|I had a big screw-up on Wednesday. Am I going to say what it was? No, not right now -- that will just have to suffice. Geez, when will I ever learn?
I'm really having a hard time deciding how much to divulge in this on-line journal. I'm kind of striving for the total truth thing -- how freeing can it be when there is no longer anything to hide, when there is no reason to lie, when what others know or think about me doesn't really matter any longer? But, there is also the embarrassing things that beset us all, and sometimes totally honesty is disturbing - especially for loved ones. There is also ramifications for the future when some people don't look so kindly on that kind of freedom or honesty. Where is the balance? I know others on the web who do this kind of thing find it quite easy to be totally out-there, but their sites also tend to have plenty of porno-type stuff, which I don't want to get into. If, in fact, I do go to seminary and become a priest, this kind of transparency will either play well or not at all. I'm hoping that with the groups of people I want to work with (high school /college) that it will play well. We shall see. (Background - I have been going through the process of becoming an Episcopal Priest for the past couple of years. I have a lot of reservations, but if there is such a thing as the 'call of God,' well I may have it. That scares me, frankly. And, I don't know whether I can 'be-in-the-culture,' whatever that means. I put seminary off for a year to mull over all this stuff, but the fall 2001 will be the time I go, if I go.) Anyway, just how open and honest do I really want to be. Here is an example -- my co-work, whom I have great respect and consider a very good friend, may or may not know that I am gay. I suspect that he does. We have great conversations about God, truth, the meaning of life and life lived, and all kinds of other things. I have been very open and honest about a lot of things in my life with him, as has he with me. The gay thing is a moot point for me most of the time -- it just isn't an issue. But, to come right out and have it in black and white (or blue on blue) is another thing. I would have to deal with the ramifications, if any. I suspect there wouldn't be any, but am I willing to sacrifice all the rest for that? He has wanted the URL for this site. I told him I will when it is ready to unveil -- version 1, rather then version .5!, but I know that my hesitancy is based on fear.
Some of you will say I am being hypocritical by not being open about that, or at least for fearing the worst. Yes, that is probably true. Yet, my orientation is not the most important thing in my life. I don't wear it on my sleeve. Sometimes other things in life are more important. Before anyone yells, I don't have a problem with my orientation -- I'm gay and that's it, but it is a problem with many. Being gay just is. Like being a Christian just is. Like being a WASP just is. (WASP, for those who might not know - White Anglo-Saxon Protestant). Gotta get ready for work -- it's that discipline thing again. :-)
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